Day #15- The changing of a Life!

Goodbyes are never easy; but it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Knowing that I would never see their smiling (and sometimes fussy) faces again ripped my heart to shreds. As I held Viola(the little baby I got attached to the most,) my tears spilling down my face, I prayed that God would give her a loving family and a good life. I felt helpless as the minutes passed by. I would hold the babies "one last time" and after a few minutes come back to each of them and start the goodbyes over again. I just couldn't let go. When I laid Viola down, she clung to my hand like she never had before, then looked at me and smiled her toothless grin. You couldn't help but smile at this precious child even if your heart was breaking in two. I still miss Romania very much and wish the distance wasn't so great. I've left pieces of my heart there that i'm sure I will never get back! Even as I sit here in Budapest, I long to be back in the stuffy hospital room holding those dear children. My life will never be the same, but I yet again, I didn't want it to be the same. I came on this trip looking for a change in my life as well as a change in the children's lives, and every day I'm seeing a little bit more of that change. God is faithful!

Day #14 - Finding the heart of God

Words are reaching their end as we have completed our final day in Romania and just as they end, I am left with the most to say. I'm overwhelmed by so many thoughts and emotions right now that its difficult for me to consider giving them expression. My heart is so full yet so broken at the same time; I am overflowing with love for these little children I have grown to enjoy so much but I am so broken and empty when I think of their futures and what will become of their lives. Although my responsibility to the hospital is coming to an end, I feel responsible for these children somehow. It is so frustrating to look at these little ones and know that you are powerless to make their pain go away. Our time here has come to an end and we're returning to a promising life full of health and prospects, hope and joy, love and family; they aren't. It seems so empty to consider my inability to change their futures outside of prayer. Right now, all I want to do is hold them in my arms and make reality go away. I can't do that, however, and the only thing I can do is trust their little lives to the hands of God who can hold them more tightly and love them more perfectly than I ever could.
You know, I was thinking about this earlier, and my perspective when I came was honestly "Go me! I obeyed God and I feel good!" Now at the end, however, I have a perspective of a much bigger blessing: God blessed me with His heart - a heart that feels daily the loneliness and pain of those children. No one would sign up for a trip promising a broken heart per se but everyone on this trip who prayed for the heart of God got it.
I kind of feel like Jacob and the limp that he got when becoming Israel. Whenever Jacob came to the camp that night, he only knew of himself. That night, however, was one where God came down and touched him and changed him. From that day forward, Jacob (now Israel) walked with a limp. We've all heard this story before but it paints the best picture of what has happened to me. When I came, like Jacob I knew primarily of myself. On this trip, God has come down and touched my life and now I, like Israel, walk with a limp (my broken heart) and the scar this wound will leave will live forever as a testament that God touched me. As Americans, we associate the touch of God with a "good life," days that aren't too hard, months without tragedy, families without defects. However, Jacob's story stands opposed to all such ideologies; it sometimes hurts when God puts His hand on your life and some things break. Yet its the breaking that makes the change; its the change that makes us like Jesus. God has faithfully walked beside us during these wonderful, long, hard, exhausting days and He will be faithful to complete what He has begun.
Tomorrow we travel to Hungary for a few days of debrief and relaxing but I have a sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach that tells me my heartache will get worse before it will get better. Keep us in prayer as we go through these next few days; They could be among the hardest yet.

<3 Lindsay

Day #13-

Sorry if this seems scattered, but my exhaustion has hit a new level! It's hard to explain the way this work plays on your emotions. To see the pain the children go through everyday breaks your heart and all you want to do is cry. We just found out yesterday that two of the children(Sebastian and Samuil) are only expected to live 4 years; they are 2 years of age now. When I found out the news, I couldn't help but hold and snuggle both of them longer. How can you leave a child that's living the last days of his life?! Every time I enter the room they both cry, seeking attention and loving arms to embrace them. It tears me apart every time. As I held Sebastian's stiff, awkward body in my arms today, a song came to my mind. As I started to sing the chorus to When We All Get To Heaven, tears came to my eyes. To know that I only have one more day with him and Sammie till I see them both in heaven is still so unbelievable! Part of me wishes they would live forever; and another part of me wishes Jesus would take them home and erase their pain and suffering. But I guess God has a special and unique plan for each of them!!! As you can see, it's not only physically draining, but emotionally as well. Sometimes the pain I doesn't come until I lay in my bed at night and sometimes it comes immediately. But no matter how hard it hurts, we have to keep going; probably one of the hardest things I have had to do!!!

Day #12 - Who knew...

Today was wonderful! Marilyn and I had an opportunity to go with Scott to Pulse, for the crisis pregnancy center started by the ministry we're working with (My Brother's Keeper/Mihaela and Gobi Visan.) Scott was doing some training for Pulse staff, teaching them how to present abstinence in schools. Mihaela and Gobi started the first abstinence program in Oradea 2 years ago in the face of much resistance and people promised them that they were foolish and that the program would never make an impact. Now, however, 2 years later, they have presented the message of abstinence in 22 public schools last year alone and are making headway in many other fronts. It was really awesome to sit in on the training session and hear how to present abstinence before marriage to young people who need to hear this message desperately. It was quite a striking parallel listening to Scott teach about abstinence which has a direct impact on some of the abandoned children we're working with at the hospital. I really enjoyed my time there.
After lunch with Mihaela and Gobi, our team came back and I and Marilyn headed to the hospital for our P.M. shift. It never ceases to amaze me how my love for the kids grows with each and every day. Yet again, little Roxanna (the written-off baby) shocked me as she made even more progress in accepting/showing affection. Baby Viola, a 9-month old little girl, made gigantic strides in finally sitting up without support and even beginning to pull herself up a little. A few days ago, she showed no signs of sitting up, laying all day on her back but over the last few days, that has all changed. Its amazing what love can do!
The team is really starting to show signs of exhaustion and the thing that keeps us going is our heart ties to the kids. Every day seems to wear longer but the thought of seeing "our kids" that day is more than enough to keep our tired feet from dragging and helps us hold our heads high. As we exit the hospital at night however, our hearts have been poured out, our spirits have imparted life-giving love, and all that's left is for our bodies to show the strain of motion made possible only by will-power. We depend each morning on God's grace and mercy and your prayers but being poured out, no matter how tiring, makes me feel so healthy. We, as Christians, were never meant to become stagnant, hearing-not-doing bodies in a pew; I feel alive putting hands to my faith. To me, this exhaustion means more than "work completed" but signifies an emptying of all that God has poured into me and making me an empty vessel for God to fill again. This really is what life was all about - God pours into us who pour into others. Who knew that giving would leave me with so much?

Day #11-I'm official!!!

As of today...I'm officially a village person :D It was an amazing experience and I can't wait until I go back Friday. Like Lindsay said, the children play rough and personal boundaries don't apply, but I enjoyed playing tough guy and breaking apart fights. It's so sad that the children feel like they have to express themselves by hitting, kicking, spitting, and hair pulling. On the flip side, it's so enjoyable to be walking in the village with them hanging on you and holding your hand. It's a memory I will always keep in my mind. After the village, we went back to the hospital to visit our BABIES!!! Tonight was filled with exhausting moments, and small victories. The exhausting moment was trying to get Sandor(the drop off at the beginning of last week) to sleep(or relaxed at least). This poor child has had a hard time of adapting to the new environment and it's harder for me to watch. The poor child sweats so much that every time I'm finished feeding him, my arm is dripping wet. But one of the small victories was finally getting him to sleep for the rest of my shift. Another of the small victories was getting to hold Roxanna(the baby who "hates to be held or touched"). She didn't even fuss when I picked her up and she cuddled right up against me. Lindsay also got to hold her which made us both extremely excited!!!! Keep us all in prayer as each day is frustrating in it's own way! Thank you so much for all your support...we couldn't have done it without all of you :)

Day #10 - Its the little things

After many ups and downs, I think the Lord knew we needed a little bit of encouragement. Today I worked an A.M. shift at the hospital and I was working with my 'usuals' - genetics, 9th floor. As I walked into the room, the usual energetic greetings to the babies ensued. It was so nice to see the kids come to life as the team picked them up and loved on them. Especially encouraging though was the way Samuil went from clenched fists and tensed muscles to a calmed, relaxed, and pleasant child. Little Roxanna, the baby who wouldn't let anyone touch her, let Marilyn (teammate) hold her for the 3rd time this week. It was such an amazing moment - almost surreal - as I watched Marilyn hold the baby the nurses had written off. It was one of those moments in time when everything else in the world stops and you're overtaken by the great gift of love.
Second only to the children is the encouraging progress we've made with the nurses. I'm not sure if they felt threatened by us at first or simply regarded us as "in the way," but the relationship between the nurses and our team has improved leaps and bounds from our first day. If day #1 was a three, today was an eight! Trust is beginning to form and I believe they are truly starting to respect our work here. Although there are still some ongoing issues with a few nurses, our communication has improved drastically with the nurses as a whole and I feel much more confident a I go about my work at the hospital.
Though today saw its share of sadness, I kept recalling in my mind the visible, tangible change we're seeing...a fruit of our labor, i suppose. Keep praying as the children are still coming in - re-abandoned and scared - but make sure to include thanks to God for all He is doing and has already done. We had one child returned today that had been picked up from the hospital only a week before. Denis is healthy and has no need of a hospital so everyone knows what his drop-off meant today. We did our best to comfort him but he's got some tough days ahead. Keep us in prayer as well, that we can pour out the love of Christ into Denis' and others' broken hearts.

<3 Lindsay

Day #9-I will always remember

Oh the kind of memories you make on missions trips. Some funny, some serious, and some life changing. But no matter what category they fit in they all are important. Some of the memories I have already made are enough to fill a book....but don't worry, I'll only share a few. The first is probably eating a traditional dinner at Vera's house. Her hospitality and great food show's how wonderful people can be....even to total strangers. It was so nice to be able to share a meal with a total stranger and feel completely comfortable (and at home!). The second I found pretty hysterical. Yesterday at the orphanage their was a young woman who was obsessed with rings. She would come over to you pull your hand up close to her face and inspect your rings. She would touch them to her face and would touch them delicately. As she was "inspecting" my ring she noticed my thumb. Now for those of you that don't know, most people make fun of my thumbs saying that they look like toes on my hands (and I have to agree that they look pretty abnormal :). So when she noticed my thumb I thought to myself....oh here we go. She was fascinated with it and pulled at my other hand to make sure my other thumb was the same way. I couldn't keep from giggling at the escapade and was very pleased that my thumbs brought enjoyment to her. The third memory would also be at the orphanage, but this time with a girl named Rodica. She was the first to greet us as we came out of the van, and her enthusiasm was contagious. As we toured the last building Rodica came over to me and started carrying on a very random conversation. Then she went over to a stack of papers and pulled out a picture she colored. When she gave it to me I couldn't help but smile. Her smile was so big and her face just beamed (you would have thought she had painted the mona lisa). Shen then quickly grabbed my hand and would not let go. She told me repeatedly that she thought I was beautiful and she was so excited to show me her room. When we went in she pointed to all the pictures she colored on her wall and hurriedly went to her dresser and pulled out a ripped photo of herself and presented it to me. I was touched and I will never forget her face as long as I live. The last memory is the babies. I will always remember the way they cuddle up to me when I hold them, their smiles when you make silly faces at them, and their sweet faces in general. I thank God for every moment I have with them. I'm sure more memories will be made in this next week and I'm so anxious to tell all of you out there about them. Until then, GOD BLESS and have a great week :)