Words are reaching their end as we have completed our final day in Romania and just as they end, I am left with the most to say. I'm overwhelmed by so many thoughts and emotions right now that its difficult for me to consider giving them expression. My heart is so full yet so broken at the same time; I am overflowing with love for these little children I have grown to enjoy so much but I am so broken and empty when I think of their futures and what will become of their lives. Although my responsibility to the hospital is coming to an end, I feel responsible for these children somehow. It is so frustrating to look at these little ones and know that you are powerless to make their pain go away. Our time here has come to an end and we're returning to a promising life full of health and prospects, hope and joy, love and family; they aren't. It seems so empty to consider my inability to change their futures outside of prayer. Right now, all I want to do is hold them in my arms and make reality go away. I can't do that, however, and the only thing I can do is trust their little lives to the hands of God who can hold them more tightly and love them more perfectly than I ever could.
You know, I was thinking about this earlier, and my perspective when I came was honestly "Go me! I obeyed God and I feel good!" Now at the end, however, I have a perspective of a much bigger blessing: God blessed me with His heart - a heart that feels daily the loneliness and pain of those children. No one would sign up for a trip promising a broken heart per se but everyone on this trip who prayed for the heart of God got it.
I kind of feel like Jacob and the limp that he got when becoming Israel. Whenever Jacob came to the camp that night, he only knew of himself. That night, however, was one where God came down and touched him and changed him. From that day forward, Jacob (now Israel) walked with a limp. We've all heard this story before but it paints the best picture of what has happened to me. When I came, like Jacob I knew primarily of myself. On this trip, God has come down and touched my life and now I, like Israel, walk with a limp (my broken heart) and the scar this wound will leave will live forever as a testament that God touched me. As Americans, we associate the touch of God with a "good life," days that aren't too hard, months without tragedy, families without defects. However, Jacob's story stands opposed to all such ideologies; it sometimes hurts when God puts His hand on your life and some things break. Yet its the breaking that makes the change; its the change that makes us like Jesus. God has faithfully walked beside us during these wonderful, long, hard, exhausting days and He will be faithful to complete what He has begun.
Tomorrow we travel to Hungary for a few days of debrief and relaxing but I have a sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach that tells me my heartache will get worse before it will get better. Keep us in prayer as we go through these next few days; They could be among the hardest yet.
<3 Lindsay
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